True answer to an honest question

I suppose that most people struggle with the question, "Why do I exist?". For me, I had the same nagging question in my mind since I was eight years old.

Yup. Eight years old.

I was not trying to be philosophical at such an early age, and certainly not looking for profound explanations for my existence. (I would say that for the most part, I'm a laid-back person, sometimes even shallow, rarely bogged down by mind-shattering, earth-shaking concepts. If I didn't have an answer to a question, I just brushed it off and went on with my life.) No, the reason why I had asked that question was, I was puzzled at the fact that I had cousins in the States who were born there and grew up there, and I was born in the Philippines and grew up in the Philippines. And as a child, I grew up thinking that life seemed to be a lot better in the States - my cousins had prettier things, more durable toys, etc. At the age of eight, I was wondering, well, why wasn't I born in the States?

I was not an inquisitive child, so I kept that question to myself and mulled over it for several years. I tried to answer it in various ways (my parents decided to stay in the Philippines; it's God's will; I have a purpose here, etc). Finally, I grew tired of answering that question (as nothing seemed to satisfy me), and just placed it in the back burner.

Until today.

It was another rainy day in Silverdale. My husband, Rupert, just came back from his night shift, and we were hurrying to get ready for church. We go to a church named Coram Deo - really good church with solid sermons and gospel preaching. We're about to wrap up the First John series and I'm a little excited how Pastor Jon will address the last verse: Little children, keep yourselves from idols. (1 John 5:21).

He started analyzing the verse (word for word - remember, the verse is only six words), expounding on why we are God's dear children and how we are to be confident in this status. Okay, I got that. I started listening more closely when we got to the "idols" part. Having grown up in the church, I know what idols are - persons/things that take the place of the one true God. However, Pastor Jon took that statement and asked further, "Well, what is the place of God?" I started to ponder in my heart, well, what IS the place of God in my life? Is He the subject of my worship? Or my last resort? Before I could further reflect on this, we were led to these two verses, which I probably have heard many times before, but just glossed over:

1) For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it ot them.  For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things. (Romans 1:18-23, ESV)

2) And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us.. (Acts, 17: 26-27, ESV)

Regarding the first verse and linking it to idolatry, two things come to mind. One, God has made Himself known to us through Jesus Christ, but because of sin, we turn away from God (we are like this by nature and by choice). Two, even if we know God, we fail to honor Him; instead, we substitute his glory for less satisfying little gods or functional saviors (money, sex, "inner peace", reputation, home improvement projects, etc). We've all fallen into this trap, more than once, probably me more than other people. Some of the idols in our lives are actually good things - a good marriage, a well-respected family, stable jobs. These are all good stuff, right? But if we set our hearts into these things more than we set our hearts on following God's lead, then they become idols. Suddenly, we'll fill this void in our hearts and think that life will not be complete if I'm not married, or don't have children, or don't have a reputable job. Suddenly, we become preoccupied by looking beautiful (so that our friends will love us), or please people (so that people will love us), or tithe more (so that our "Christian" friends will approve of us). It's amazing how quickly the pressure mounts to be perfect all the time, when deep inside we know that we just can't do it.

I've identified idols in my life - those that blind my eyes from seeing the true glory of God. I'm continuing to pray that the Holy Spirit will keep my eyes on Jesus and help me crush these idols.

The second verse actually became more personal for me, as it really has given the clearest answer to my decades-long question on our existence. It basically says that God has appointed each one of us to be in a certain place at a certain time so that we should seek Him. How true in my case. I lived in the Philippines for almost all my life, went to church there, participated in youth camps, even taught Sunday school at one time, but I never quite understood the impact of Jesus' accomplishment on the cross, until I came here in the States and started going to Mars Hill Church in Seattle. There, the Holy Spirit just found me and convicted me. I am forever grateful for my mentors in Manila for giving me head knowledge of the Bible and Christianity, but it was not until here in the US really that I began to put things together. While I was listening to today's sermon, I thought about the simplicity of the whole thing, and how straightforward it suddenly becomes once the Holy Spirit gives you the answer. We're not here by some sort of weird chance, a product of random chaos. We're here because God appointed us to be here so that we can live for Him. It's as simple as that.

Finally, I can lay this question to rest. Thank you Jesus.

Ferry ride

A lot has happened since my last blog entry - family came over from the Philippines (it was the first time that we were complete in the last 5 years - GJ's family came over), my sister got married (yes, it was a beautiful ceremony!), lots of new-to-Seattle relatives who toured the area (my favorite is still the Theo Chocolate Factory tour), got my wisdom teeth pulled out (from which I am still nicely recovering, thanks to a pair of awesome dentists, Dr. Jacqueline Tuazon and Dr. Jill Brinkman), endless trips to the airport (12, to be exact). All of these moments were blog-worthy at the time, but because of time constraints and just me being dead-tired all the time, none were literally recorded. Oh, there were hundreds of photos taken, most of them hurriedly uploaded in Facebook, and some are still waiting patiently to be uploaded - but the truth is, although most pictures speak for themselves, it helps to tie a story behind them.

In addition to the whirlwind chaos of above, there were also numerous ferry rides to our home and back to Seattle, as my family and friends wanted to see our new home here in Silverdale. Of course, we are quite happy to open our home to them - that was the reason why we decided to move closer to Seattle anyway - to be able to entertain and just be plain hospitable. For the most part, we had encouraged our guests to take the ferry because it definitely was a different experience - after all, it's not usual that we get to one place to another by boat (certainly not in Manila, or in Akron, or in Yakima, where these places are relatively landlocked). Riding the ferry felt like an adventure.

Today though, it was different. I needed to ride the ferry so I can see my dentist across the Puget Sound. I had taken ferry rides before but it would usually be to show it off to other people (kind of like, hey look, it's so cool, we live in a peninsula and you get to us by boat! Take out your cameras, click, click.). Today, it felt like it was a necessary and practical mode of transportation so I can go from one place to the next. What made the experience click for me, is that even though it was just the "usual" ferry ride, it was beautifully ordinary. No fuss. I docked my car, climbed to the passenger deck, brought my book with me, sat on the deck, and for twenty-five beautiful, quiet, undisturbed, unpretentious minutes, I alternately read my book and stared at the grayish-blue body of water. I don't remember consciously thanking God for the peace and serenity of it, but the whole experience was a prayer in itself.

I docked off, still feeling enchanted. I thought, how wonderful and how gracious is our God for giving us these moments of revival even for just a short time - it is as if He has given me a peek of what is to come, to what is in store for His children for eternity.

My new hangout

I love our new home! Probably my favorite part of the house is the breakfast nook where there's a huge window facing what's-going-to-be a fragrant lilac tree (at least that's what my aunts think it's going to be), and multitudes of different birds flying to our bird feeders! Rupert recently hung a hummingbird feeder, but I have yet to see one. We have finches and wood peckers.

I can spend hours in this spot just waiting for birds to fly by - it's hypnotizing!

Meet Josh and Janey

It has been almost five years since I last saw my nephew and niece, Josh and Janey. Back in 2005, Josh was only 8 years old, and Janey was 3. They are GJ and Maricel's kids (GJ is my brother, oldest of 3). GJ and Maricel run their bakery-cafe business, Banapple, together and is now very famous in Manila.
 

Josh and Janey are here in the USA to attend my sister's wedding on May 22nd. It is Janey's first time to visit the States, so she is all excited about seeing snow for the first time. She will be my sister's Bible Bearer in the wedding, a role that I think she looks forward to, since she had always been "type-casted" as the flower girl (she was my flower girl during my own wedding when she was two years old). Janey's the zaniest and craziest little girl I've ever met. She's fun-loving, friendly, quick, smart and just over-all charming. She can be graceful if she wants to be, but for the most part, she loves running around and being carefree. I've also seen her caring and potential "big sister" side, as she looks after the kids who are younger than her. She loves to tease me and she loves to tickle her uncle Rupert. We retaliate by telling her that we might not see snow now because it's beginning to warm up. She usually behaves after that.

If Janey's the crazy one, Josh is the complete opposite. He has become much more composed and reflective. I see in him by brother's mannerisms, like the way he stands, crosses his arms in front of him, or just tilts his head. He is beginning to sound like my brother too. He has grown much taller than me, but he still has an awkwardness around him, which I think is typical for a teenager. He's at the stage of life where he doesn't know where to fit in - he's much too old to hang out with Janey, but much too young to hang out with my parents. He has always been cognitively more mature compared to other people his own age though, so he ends up spending time with the adults. Which is fine with me, because even though he is capable now of abstract thinking, he is still quite very impressionable - ample teachable moments that can be impressed upon him which I hope will give a lasting imprint. He asks intelligent questions and we try to answer them as diligently and as specifically as we can. He and his uncle Rupert hit it off very well, as they share one passion quite deeply - that is, guitar playing. Josh had already bought his "dream guitar" and is intensely attached to it. I hope that he will continue to cultivate that passion because I've seen how helpful it is having a hobby that you're really good at be your go-to activity. (Rupert, for example, always resorts to guitar playing when he's stressed, which is a very healthy outlet.)

Most of all, I enjoy seeing Josh and Janey relate to one another. Even though they can drive each other nuts sometimes, the big brother -little sister connection is so clear cut that neither crosses it. Janey can tease Josh all she wants but she knows that he's still the "kuya" and therefore needs to be followed. Josh, on the other hand, still helps Janey out when she's stuck and always looks out after her, and is quite protective of her.

As you can probably tell by now, I love these two kids. I pray that they will always be the same lovable people when they grow up, and they will continue to mature emotionally and spiritually. I pray that they will remember that they are loved by their parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts and cousins. I pray that they will continue to grow up in a loving, touching and Jesus-centered family. Most of all, I pray that they will remember that Jesus loves them first and His love is everlasting, even if our love for them fails (which I also pray wouldn't).

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:4-9)

Moving out

My husband, Rupert and I had moved twice in less than one year. I still remember when we had transferred to Akron, OH three years ago to start residency training, we only had two suitcases with us and maybe five balikbayan boxes, containing our books, some wedding presents and clothes. Since we were just starting out, almost all of our furniture were bought from yard sales, secondhand stores, or from friends. A twenty dollar bill went a long way - we were able to fill our kitchen cabinets with dish sets, designed our living room with a pretty sturdy coffee table, and flanked our (secondhand) king-sized bed with really cheap night stands. We spray-painted our dull-colored dresser with bright clarinet red, went to flea markets to hunt for the perfect oil painting to hang in our dining area wall. We frequented Wal-Mart and Target to get some new DIY bookshelves and dining set. Probably the most expensive furniture we had was our couch set which we got from a nearby liquidator store. It was definitely lots of fun. Bargain-hunting quickly became one of the few hobbies that my husband and I share.

Moving to Yakima was a different experience altogether. What was previously two suitcases and five boxes that used to be all of our worldly belongings, gradually and unknowingly became a total of two suitcases... and forty five large boxes! Excluding furniture! It's amazing how much we had accumulated over the past three years and how we had thought we had needed most of these things. Still, since we were moving to roughly the same sized apartment, we decided to keep most of them but we had promised ourselves not to buy any more fixtures since we knew we probably would be moving again to a more permanent home. We kept that promise for the most part.

Now, we're moving again. And I'm hoping that we will stay put in one place for a long time. For the last (almost) 6 years that we've been married, the longest that we have stayed in one place was the three years in Akron. I'm hoping, and by God's grace I pray, that living in Silverdale will afford us some permanence and stability for many years to come. I would love the opportunity to get to know my neighbors and just to stay rooted.

I'm always sad and there's always a weird ache in my heart whenever we move. But, I'm excited too, thinking about the future, brimming with possibilities. This particular move is a lot different from our previous ones because it is the first time that we are both acutely aware of the hand of God at work in every decision we made. There were a lot of times that my husband and I would just look at each other and say "go for it" and surrender it to the Lord. We don't know what the future holds, but God does. That's truly enough for us.

(Photos: 1) and 2) Packing up our stuff in Yakima; 3) After the movers loaded our stuff, we were left with our lone $1 coffee table we got from a garage sale. We loved this coffee table, but decided to leave it there. That's Rupert relaxing; 4) South 89th Avenue Street Scene)

Some highlights

As I went in to the examining room to see my last patient of the day, it dawned on me that he will be the last patient whom I will see in Summitview. I was struck by the finality of it and my mind flashed back to the very first patient that I saw in the same clinic, roughly 6 months ago. I don't think she ever followed up after that, but I remember her name very well. She was probably in her early 70s, and very eager to meet me and had the distinct pleasure that she was my first patient on my very first practice out of residency. I still remember she asked me a lot of questions about my training, where I grew up, if I was married or not, if I had kids or not, and the like. We ended our office visit roughly 40 minutes later and I silently thanked God that the first encounter was done. Now on to the next. And the next. And the next. 

In 6 months, I was able to establish a small practice of about 300 patients (not counting seeing the frequent walk-in patients who are established with the other 2 doctors in our clinic). I've had my share of very interesting people whom I was blessed to serve. Early in my practice I was able to care for an elderly lady with aggressive breast cancer whom I enrolled in hospice right away; she passed away at the comfort of her home within 4 weeks of diagnosis, the very first death certificate that I signed.  

Then I remember desperately getting hold of an elderly man because he had very abnormal labs - he was not answering his phone, his voicemail was disabled, he did not call after we sent an emergency letter. I was so worried that something might have happened to him and could not figure out a way to reach him. I called the police department to check out his home just to make sure he was okay. When the police got there, he was caring for his wife who had metastatic cancer, and was actually doing well. He was understandably scared that the police was there and called our office and complained to me why I sent the police to his home. I explained to him why I did that and he admonished me never to call the police again. Because I was brought up to respect my elders, I told him, "yes, sir I would never do that again, but for goodness' sake, please answer your phone."

There were times when I would wake up early in the morning panicking - because I forgot to let a patient know about a side effect of a medicine, or I forgot to document something in the chart, or thinking maybe I should've ordered this particular test stat. That usually happens on Monday mornings, after my mind has rested over the weekend and able to slow down and process things in the background of my mind. I'm not even aware that such things happen until it happens. Fortunately, after diligently following up my patients, they all turned out to be fine. I must have driven my medical assistant (MA), Peggy,  crazy every Monday morning just to make sure that my self-imposed neuroses were adequately pacified.

Of course, there were a lot of rewarding moments too. The occasional patient who quits smoking; the diabetic patient who finally has her A1c under control, and arthritic patient who finally got her knee replaced after one pre-authorization after another. I remember an elderly male patient who I saw during my first week of practice with severe generalized muscle pain. I ordered some stat labs that day and his muscle enzyme levels were elevated, probably one of the highest levels that I've ever seen. My MA and I promptly called him to go to the ER and was admitted so that he could get fluids and a more thorough work up. Two weeks later, he followed up with his primary care, he was feeling 100% better and his muscle enzymes have normalized. He had requested to see me. When he saw me, he gave me the tightest hug and told me these golden words: "Doc, you saved my life. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you." My heart was so full that all I could do was hug him back and silently say a prayer of thanks to God. All the praise is due to Him.

There are times when I wish I wasn't a physician because of all the responsibility and the worrying that go along with the profession. This is especially compounded by the fact that the current culture is so litiginous, that a gray cloud is always above my head whenever I encounter a patient in the office. But my husband is quick to remind me that God has given me this talent and has put me in this particular place, and that He has given me all the things that I need to surpass these trials, most of all He has given us Jesus. I am continually comforted by this fact.

(Photo above is the view of the Mt. Adams peak from my office. It looks much better on a clear day.)

Why small groups are important

We had a wonderful going away party with our West Side home group last night! I find it amusing that after blessing the food and helping ourselves to generous servings, we all broke up into 2 major groups, almost naturally into - yes, you guessed it - boys and girls. The set up was not so much far out from our family gatherings in the Philippines when the aunties congregate among themselves and talk about ideas, people, places (i.e. gossip) and the uncles pretty much enjoy their Jack Daniels (or whatever alcohol was available). In our case, we had a fun time (or at least I did) talking about "female stuff" pertaining to ourselves; I'm not exactly sure what the guys were up to, but they did look pretty serious whenever I glance over to their direction. Maybe I'll ask my husband later.

Joining a small group is important for both Rupert and me. When we were living in the Philippines, building friendships was fairly easy for us because we were already surrounded by people who we already knew for a very long time. I also came from a pretty big extended family, so socializing was just a normal part of daily life. When we moved to the US, however, the lives of the people here seem so isolated from one another that we immediately found out that if we wanted to be plugged into the community, we had to actually make an effort to go out and meet people. And not just any people, but people who would be good mentors and models to us.

When we were in Akron, OH, we were fortunate that we had a solid group of Filipino friends (most of us were in residency training) that we can spend time with. We had the most fantastic get-togethers and just spending time with them was a riot! I love Filipino sensibility and sense of humor! At the same time, we also wanted to be plugged into a good church community so we decided to go to The Chapel and joined a community group in West Akron area. I truly enjoyed this small group because Rupert and I were the youngest, most of the members were in their 50s and 60s, and they are all truly just gems of knowledge. I miss them a lot.

Here in Yakima, Rupert and I decided that we wanted to join another home group, so when we found West Side Church, we immediately zeroed in to the community group web page. God, in His providential hand, led us to the Fries' home group where we met 5 other wonderful couples who are our age (or close to). All of us are young in our married lives, but each of us are in different stages. Some are newly-weds, some have kids, some are thinking of having kids (like us). I thought, what a great mix! We could all learn from one another, and we could lead each other, too. It's encouraging that even though our group is small, we know that we could count on friends who would be good examples for our future kids.

Small groups are important because it is a place where friendships are established and nurtured. We are held accountable for one another, so it is not just ourselves that we are on the lookout for, but for others as well. It's important to be in a small group with a strong biblical foundation on Jesus and what Jesus has accomplished, because when crisis strikes, we're all on the same page as to what needs to be done - turn to Jesus and repent, read the Bible for guidance and pray for one another.

The other obvious perk - we get to go out or stay home and just party!!!

Last week in Summitview Family Medicine

This week marks my last week here in Summitview. I've only been working here for 6 months, and as my very first practice out of residency training, I cannot help but be sentimental. I wish that I could have stayed longer and gotten to know better the other doctors and staff. But since it is what it is, I'm thankful too that even for a short period of time, we were able to influence each other in one way or another.

I will especially miss my colleague Vani. She has been a wonderful resource person for me, and a mentor. She's scary smart, funny and very insightful. I enjoy our short conversations along the hallway, during lunch or after work hours. She is a wonderful mother to her 3 children (yes, all of them are going to be doctors!) and just a great friend. Today's her birthday too.

I think that as life goes on, I will be able to look back to this episode in my life and will be able to figure out why God has placed me in Yakima. It seems to me that it is too short a stay for me to have any impact on anyone. But who's to say what is enough time and what is not enough time anyway? God works His plans perfectly and I should be able to trust that completely even though it is, at times, difficult to understand.

Photos above: 1) Summitview Family Medicine Clinic; 2) Medical staff at SFM (Front row L-R: Marlene, Nancy, Linda, Peggy, Dr. Vani; Back row L-R: Tracy, Terri, Diana, Renee); 3) My office nook;  4) My welcome plant! (yes, it's still alive after 6 months!);5) My welcome plant and going-away plant (thanks guys!)

Why refining the walk? The last two years have been a series of whirlwind pockets of experiences, the most defining of which was my realization of the continual need to test and press on my walk of faith. I have had my share of stumbles and picking ups along the way - many of which I'm beginning to forget and since I forget, it is impossible to learn from it. Writing it down would be the wisest way to keep these memories accessible and, maybe, helpful for me and others who may review/read it.

In addition to keeping an online journal, my goal is also to go through the Bible, book by book, as part of my daily walk. My hope is I will be able to draw lessons from the Bible and be constantly on the lookout how it applies to my daily experiences. It's a daunting task, as I've never attempted to read the Bible cover to cover, so this will be an interesting journey. I pray for the Holy Spirit to rest upon me as He did on Jesus when He was doing His ministry.

So here goes.